Because it says within the Bible, “I wish to be the perfect, like nobody ever was.” Might there be a extra true passage? I don’t know; I didn’t look. However in case you’re right here studying this web site of suggestions, methods, and evaluations, you’ve most likely felt the urge in your soul to turn out to be a champion. There could also be billions of individuals enjoying video video games all over the world, however haven’t you ever puzzled what it might be like if you – sure, you! – have been one of the best at a sport? I’m not speaking about getting a excessive rating at a laundromat that resets its Ms. Pac-Man machine each evening.
I’m speaking about being one of the best in your complete world. The best gamer on all of Tremendous Earth. When different gamers get cute and suppose they’re placing up numbers, they see your rating and weep realizing they’ll by no means overcome your spot on the leaderboard. That’s the candy stuff, child. Put it straight into my veins. Being so good at a online game that it breaks one thing in a complete stranger. You wish to lock down your home in excessive rating historical past so exhausting that it makes different individuals really feel dangerous. The by no means ending quest to beat your weaknesses and to point out the world that you’ve precise worth as a human being whereas everybody else is nugatory.
This can be a story about a woman named Fortunate a person who needed to turn out to be the best gamer in your complete world. Reader, that man is me. And reader, I virtually did it. For actual. There have been moments I may style it. I used to be this near changing into the best participant who ever lived.
At Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
Oh, I didn’t count on to tackle this burden. It wasn’t intentional. I merely like Pinball FX. For those who’re not conversant in Pinball FX or don’t perceive how you can choose up context clues, Pinball FX is a sport/app that permits you to play – anticipate it – pinball. Some based mostly on bodily tables, some purely digital. A number of are free to play. For the remainder, you’ll be able to subscribe to a service or purchase them individually. And, whereas in a situation greatest described as “lower than sober,” I purchased a variety of pinball tables. Plenty of these have been classics like Star Trek: The Subsequent Era. And, as a result of I get pleasure from Christmas, I additionally purchased Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. The truth these purchases have been made two months after Christmas doesn’t and mustn’t matter.
At first, I performed the classics! Why wouldn’t I? It had been years since I’d taken on the pinball variations of The Twilight Zone or Star Trek. And since I owned these tables, I may actually dive in and determine them out! I used to be going to get good on the classics! Oh, I sucked at first! Actual dangerous! However then I had among the finest video games of Star Trek: The Subsequent Era I’ve ever had! And, of us! Have a look at the place I ranked with 110,214,170 factors!
Ten thousand, 4 hundred thirty seventh on the planet! Why, that’s not too dangerous! It’s not good! However it’s not too dangerous! And positively a rating you’ll be able to clearly inform I didn’t obtain once more. However not less than I’m inside a stadium-sized-audience of being one of the best on the planet, proper? Proper? Expensive God, that was one of the best I may do and I wasn’t even approaching greatness. I didn’t suppose I’d – nevertheless it’s nonetheless a hell of a factor to do your greatest and discover out that nearly each different sentient human being is best than you.
So I performed a number of different tables. All enjoyable! Wee!
Lastly – I imply, actually lastly of the 24 tables I purchased – I performed Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. And after my first sport, I positioned within the 500s. Let me repeat that: In my very first sport, I ranked among the many prime 600 individuals to have ever touched Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. I may’ve deleted the sport from my Steam library and nonetheless recognized endlessly that I used to be among the finest players on Earth on one particular digital pinball desk. I’ve by no means been within the prime 600 of something aside from suspects.
Which made me suppose: If no person was enjoying this desk apart from me and different weirdo psychopaths like me, then possibly – simply possibly – I may turn out to be the highest gamer in your complete world at Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. For the primary time in my whole life, I might be one of the best at one thing that didn’t contain crying within the bathe or regretting an extended, emotional e mail. I may do that! It additionally helped that I had a really lengthy aircraft journey forward to go to a sick relative.
Now, you is perhaps questioning, “Is Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball an excellent sport?” That doesn’t matter. It’s advantageous. It’s a online game pinball desk for youngsters based mostly on a 75-year-old cartoon’s Christmas particular. It’s precisely what you’d count on. Have you ever performed pinball? Have you ever seen Charlie Brown Christmas? That’s all that you must know. Actually, in case you’ve even performed simply one of these two issues, that’s all that you must know.
The excellent news is, Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball is a reasonably easy desk in comparison with a variety of the Pinball FX choices. There aren’t many hidden lanes or methods, so determining one of the simplest ways to rack up factors isn’t too exhausting. Really doing it’s a problem! However you be taught fairly early to simply bust up Lucy’s psychiatry sales space till you handle to get multiball. Which I used to my benefit. Abruptly, I used to be within the 400s. After which the 300s.
Though “instantly” is perhaps a misnomer as a result of it took me hours to crawl up this checklist little by little. Which is the best way it ought to be. However it’s most likely unhealthy that I’ve put extra time into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball than Helldivers 2. Then once more, none of my associates have handled me like a dick for by accident calling in an air strike on Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. They positive have for Helldivers 2, although!
The draw back of the simplicity of the desk is that you just hear the identical sound results over. And over. And over. Each rattling sport I’ve to listen to that Charlie Brown likes Christmas, however he’s depressed. And a toddler shouting “shoot the director gap” by no means stops being bizarre. To not point out the Charlie Brown theme track which – as you may count on – will get previous after the fifth or sixth hour of play. By the point I lastly reached the 200s within the rating, I’d scream the sound bites again on the sport as they occurred.
For a quick second, the 200s have been my ceiling. I couldn’t fairly crack it, whereas the sport’s repetition was beginning to crack me. I personal an excellent pc and a Steam Deck and I nonetheless haven’t completed principally each good sport that’s come out this 12 months. However I needed it. I needed to know that I may get into the 100s. The scores above mine weren’t too excessive. The relative who I used to be visiting requested me what I used to be enjoying and I screamed “NOTHING” like I used to be watching porn. That’s how embarrassed I used to be.
However I obtained there. 153. The 153rd greatest participant on the planet isn’t dangerous. Lots of people could be pleased with that rating if this have been Road Fighter or Mortal Kombat or FIFA or Name of Responsibility or Overwatch 2 or actually every other online game exterior of that Recent Prince zombie sport all of us simply came upon existed. Actually, that’s most likely the one different sport I might be the 153rd greatest at. Don’t tempt me.
I didn’t cease. I couldn’t cease. As soon as I’d hit the 100s, I needed to limbo beneath that bar, too. I needed to be within the prime 100 gamers of one thing. Something. So I spent hours – whereas staying in a location much more sunny and enjoyable than the place I normally reside – enjoying spherical after spherical of this cursed sport. Kids screaming at me to hit the left loop, the best loop, the left heart loop, the mailbox, all the things. The track looping and looping and looping. Somebody requested if I used to be watching Christmas films and I placed on headphones and locked the door to the toilet.
And I lastly did it. I cracked the highest 100. I went full Tommy and crushed the desk as exhausting as I’ve ever crushed it. My response occasions heightened. My thoughts was like Scarlett Johannson’s in Lucy. “To information.” After which like a whole dork, I spotted how nicely I used to be doing and immediately my fingers was plastic oven mitts that couldn’t hit the best buttons.
And so I ended up at 51st. Hell yeah.
At that time, I needed to cease. Not simply because I had reached a aim I didn’t suppose I’d attain, but additionally as a result of I checked the highest of the checklist and the scores began to get insane. It seems I wasn’t the primary individual to understand that you may dominate a leaderboard if no person else gave a crap. Besides these individuals within the prime ten clearly very a lot cared and labored very, very exhausting for his or her a whole lot of thousands and thousands of factors.
Sadly, I couldn’t go on endlessly. Dragon’s Dogma 2 was popping out and I couldn’t bear listening to Charlie Brown put down Pig-Pen yet another rattling time with out throwing my Steam Deck at a passing automotive. The sport had gotten beneath my pores and skin. First in that traditional “Simply One Extra Flip” manner after which, later, in that traditional “I Want To Cease Earlier than One thing Unhealthy Occurs As a result of I Am Dropping My Rattling Thoughts.”
Since then, I haven’t risen a lot increased. And I do respect that even my place on the checklist is so very simple to beat. I promise that if any of you studying this put quarter-hour into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball, you may beat me like a dad holding a sock crammed with oranges. However between hand tremors and by no means wanting to consider Snoopy ever once more, my rank might be going to remain the place it’s till another person does barely higher.
That mentioned, I virtually did it. I could not have been one of the best on the planet. I could not have even been within the prime ten. However of the billions of human beings on this stunning, fragile planet, I used to be the 51st greatest at losing my time on what I’m sure is the least-played pinball desk ever placed on a pc display screen. I used to be the 51st greatest that ever was. In actually every other online game I rank between “rubbish” and “Emil Cioran’s potential to really feel pleasure.” However right here? Solely 50 different individuals have put up higher numbers in Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
And god bless them, as a result of I assume it’s pushed them insane. There’s a motive the band Queen pluralized the time period, as a result of we actually are the champions.
Mike Drucker is an Emmy-nominated author and almost-world champion pinball participant. Observe him on X.